3 Years Ago

I had a completely different post scheduled for tonight [all about our fun-filled, long weekend], but I feel compelled to say this, instead:

Tonight, after nursing Rachael and enjoying all the precious moments that come with such a special time, I began to reflect. As I rocked my sleeping baby girl, while Ryan was reading to David and saying their prayers, my mind started to wander. I thought about our lives just three years ago. 

Ryan and I had been married for nearly three years, trying for a baby for over a full year. My heart was aching and longing to hold a child of my own and there were days I thought it might never happen. We were beginning fertility treatments and praying each day THIS might be our chance. Just three years ago my house was spotless. Clean as a whistle. Everything had a place, everything was in it's place. I played tennis at least twice a week and usually went out to lunch with friends one of those days. I attended Boot Camp workouts at 5:00am every other week day and had all the time in the world to go for a 3 mile run whenever I wanted. I had my nails done, my hair cut whenever they needed it. I was very up-to-date on current event; our tv stayed on Fox News all day long. I could remember every little detail of every event. I made spectacular, delicious, time-consuming meals and was able to linger over them at the dinner table as long as I wished. I slept in every Saturday morning. But, there was one, actually two, missing pieces. Babies. 

Now, three years later things are not like they were. My house is a mess. There is stuff everywhere. Dust covering most of the furniture. Dirt all over the floors. I don't have time for myself these days. No time to play tennis, go for a run, or get my nails done. I have absolutely no idea what is going on in the world [which actually isn't so bad]. If our tv is on at all more than likely it's on Sesame Street. I can't remember anything if it's not related to my children. Dinnertime is chaotic, rushed, and not always perfectly balanced. There is no sleeping in, ever. My life is not as it used to be. It revolves around naps, meals, diapers, and playtime. It revolves around two other, more important, lives. 

But, as I kissed my baby boy goodnight and as I watched my precious little girl sleeping so peacefully in my arms, I realized I wouldn't trade these last years for a million years of the way it was before these miracles came into our lives. I will one day, too soon, have time for myself again. So, I embrace my cluttered home, a few extra pounds, my scattered-brain, my unpolished nails, the nerve-racking dinner times. Because without them I have no children. They are proof that I am a Mama and that I treasure my children more than anything else.